So here I am home alone because my wife is house sitting.
I decided to start watching dexter on my computer.
What a shock… and I don’t mean in the way most would think.
The way he describes his emotions, or rather, the way the writers wrote his lack of emotion and these are the words I have never been able to find in my own mind to explain my own stunted or lack of emotion.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no inclination to become a series killer, however I have always known I’m different.
I don’t feel like “normal” people do. I can’t make connections the way people do. I don’t feel grief or pure happiness, I don’t know how to react if someone I am “close” to has had a major tragedy.
I do have emotions, they are however stunted/blurred in a way that is hard to describe. I will try below:
As a teen I used to play catalyst. I would start by spreading a rumour, usually about myself, and see how far it went. I would monitor it’s progress and mentally note the reactions. I got so good at this that I knew that I could control the outcome of any situation in my friend group. As you can see I had very little emotional investment, my natural every day state is objective and removed from myself.
I have over the years learnt how to mirror other people’s emotions, however even if my wife cries I feel awkward and unable to empathise.
Speaking of… yes I fell in love so to say… It has happened twice.
The first time was intense, electric and unbelievable, it was the first time in my I life I felt a pure emotion and it was the last.
After my first love left me I felt something else… something unexpected… I felt deep void dark depression. Not the half hearted sadness of being dumped, no this was darker and physically painful as well as mentally dark. Let’s just say I got stuck there for a long time because I was feeling and I didn’t want to lose one of the only 2 pure emotions I have ever felt. So I inevitably got stuck in the comfortable darkness almost enjoying it if you could call what I felt as enjoyment.
My wife is my second love, however that intensity of pure emotion didn’t come to me with her, don’t get me wrong I do love her however in a stunted way. I have never felt all gooey or butterflies or any of that crap but I knew she was the one I would settle down with in a logical analytical kind of way. I chose her after we spoke for a long time online, I chose her to be my life partner because she had all the mental qualities I required for a successful relationship. I can’t imagine my life without her but again the emotions are all very stunted.
But I digress…. I look at people when we go into town and think, “how dull their lives must be” I sometimes wish I lived their uninformed lives. I sometimes wish I was as stupid as they were, maybe if I was born with average intelligence like the rest of the populace I might not find life so difficult, I might still be employed, happy with the dull and endless routine of doing the same thing day in and day out without getting bored or listless.
I believe I am unemployed because I am different, because I get bored of routine and inevitably fuck it all up without realising it until it’s too late.
I’m not sure if I have explained properly… All I can say is watch Dexter if you want to understand a little better, listen to hoe he explains his emotions, observatikns and interactions with normal people.
I’m hoping it would make more sense if you do as I am terrible at words.
Until next time….